Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

I started this blog out of desperation and fear. Not a mindset you’d expect a Yoga teacher to express right? I agree, surprisingly on my journey as an aspiring “successful” Yoga instructor I’ve discovered that there are a number of different mindsets and emotions I never expected to experience teaching Yoga. A practice with a philosophy of uniting and igniting internal joy.  And so I’m here typing away, stress eating peanut butter confused, a little angry and wondering, why am I here? No, really like why I am here sitting next to a spoon of peanut butter typing about how Yoga hurt my feelings? And in the same moment I can still find a way to be grateful that the disappointment does hurt me so because it means that I care deeply for the practice of Yoga so much so that it literally hurts me to think of not being able to spread the joy and that realization is the exact magic and power of Yoga. So then the question shifts from why am I here to how did I get here? Whoa, deep right? I won’t take it all the way back, not enough time. I quit my job. I guess that’s a good place to start. I worked at the DMV for three years prior to my taking the leap into pursuing teaching Yoga full time and it was every bit as draining and annoying as one might imagine a day in the DMV might be. Only when the customers came in they got to leave and hopefully not come back for at least a year. I came back every day. At first it was a dream job a government job, full benefits, retirement in the bag. I thought it was kind of cool to be “set” at 25. With Yoga having been a constant in my life for many years before I got the job, I had a grounding practice to come back to after a particularly stressful day but mostly in the morning before the chaos, before the sun and the rest of the world rose to start their day I would practice my daily Asanas, lay in Shavasana and bath in the peace and gratitude for my practice and head to work knowing that I was covered in my peaceful warrior armor.

For a while this worked, I reaped the benefits of a steady and might I add impressive paycheck, job security and holidays and weekends off in happy middle-class paradise. But just like life tends to do, day after day my peaceful warrior armor began to wear down. I could feel it happening slowly inside, like the way the dark night creeps into the sky. At first it seemed far in the distance but then before I knew it I was consumed. I would get comment cards from customers saying “ good work but she could’ve smiled more.” This, to the woman who was once nominated to be the front desk ambassador for the very same workplace by her coworkers because of her sunny disposition! I had struggled with symptoms of IBS for some years prior but I began to notice that with the mounting stress and anxiety of the job my symptoms went into overdrive, into unbearable territory overdrive. I hated that it was happening but I couldn’t stop it or at least I felt like couldn’t. Enter Yoga teacher training. For so long I had been practicing Asanas feeling a calling from within that there was more to this beautiful practice. When I started to see the affects my job were having on me being reflected back to me I sought out to seek the “more” in the form of Yoga teacher training. Being introduced to the philosophy and foundations of Yoga literally blew my mind. Here I was introduced to the power of choice, the power to cultivate an inner strength so great that it can emanate from the inside out.

 I began to do the work. My daily practice deepened. I wasn’t just focused on holding the best warrior one for a solid minute and only tapping into my peace at the end of my practice while forcing myself to stay still in shavasana,  instead I began to look for my peace throughout my practice as well. Whether I was in wheel pose or resting comfortably in childs pose I searched for the softness in every moment and I began to search for this softness off the mat and in my life as well. The deeper I got into my teacher training I started to realize that although I had been doing Yoga poses for many years I had not actually truly been doing Yoga. Through exploring different yogic texts and philosophies I was developing a fresh new perspective to nurture and cultivate into a new more open and fully present me. I started to see the changes reflected back to me at work as well. I found myself eagerly volunteering to take on extra-curricular work projects becoming the branch “Wellness Champion” and member of the Spirit Board Committee. What’s a Spirit Board Committee you ask? The committee with the very important task of decorating the main office cork board with on theme seasonal garb to keep the office light and fun. Silly as it might sound it was almost as if with the space I freed up from resisting the fact that I hated my job  I was able to make room for a more creative me who saw all these other opportunities for ways in which I could appreciate my job. I enjoyed bringing little nuggets from my teacher training or latest Yoga book back to work to share with my coworkers and members of the “Wellness Warrior” health group I created, so much so that I started a weekly Mindfulness Tips email newsletter. I brimmed with enthusiasm collaborating with other crafty coworkers on new ideas for our spirit board. With the consent of the Branch Manager I was allowed to introduce monthly office games and challenges for coworkers in an effort to promote activity, reduce stress while at work and improve office camaraderie, which really came in handy during those nightmare days when customers flooded the lobby like ants and there didn’t seem to be an end in sight. Feedback from coworkers expressed how much they appreciated my weekly mindfulness tips as they too had begun to look at life issues from a new perspective. On challenge days I watched full grown adults laugh and play with each other like kids in grade school and had coworkers come up to me after their turn to say how much fun they were having and how they couldn’t wait for the next month’s challenge.

I had softened, I felt myself melting into my life. Work was still stressful, but I had learned how to distance myself from it, the observer approach is the technical turn. Letting things be as they are without feeling the need to participate in them, to let them take you away. Don’t mistake it was still a daily practice and some days I was unsuccessful but never defeated. I felt empowered and having finally completed my yoga teacher training I was ready to explore the path of a practicing yoga teacher. Opening myself up fully to hating my job and embracing the situation allowed me to experience the joy that comes from sharing something truly meaningful to the human experience, the jewel of connection.

And so connect I did. I talked with the universe during meditations and it told me that I had to create the opportunities that I sought. That although I had done a lot of work so far there was still more to be done. I knew what my vision was, ever since I had begun my teacher training, I would find myself in meditation literally getting visions of myself as what I now call a “traveling Yoga teacher”. Steeped in the fear of being constrained by four walls, a computer and desk with an uncomfortable chair, my true self was calling to deliver the message in a way that was freeing in every sense of the word. My calling was to not only teach the joy of Yoga but to spread it. Knowing that until my vision became a reality I still needed to actually “work” to make money to survive and being a person who had to commute through 2 cities every day to get to work I sought out opportunities to teach in and around the county I resided in as well in the county where I worked. I set my sites on Recreation Centers, places built solely for the benefit of the community and to my surprise every center replied back with a resounding yes. The universe was in my favor. In only one week of trying I had acquired two classes a week, one in my home county on Wednesday evenings and one in my work county on Saturday mornings set to start running at the beginning  of the following month. I had a class schedule. A Yoga class schedule, a thought that if uttered a year prior would’ve shrunk me into a corner now made me feel as big as the fear itself. Only it wasn’t fear anymore it was excitement. Excitement wrought with one tiny formality.

Remember when I told you that I worked for the government? Yea, well it turns out the government, even county government is super particular about what their employees do, not only in but also outside of work. I had heard rumblings throughout my years of the policy for what they call “Outside Employment”. This policy holds that due to the fact the an employee of a government agency is in fact at all times an acting representative of the appointed official for that department, he/she therefore must submit a request in writing of any outside activity done for monetary gain prior to the acceptance or commencement of said activity so as to ensure there’s no conflict of interest, shedding of negative light on the department, etc. Thus giving the department the authority to approve or deny the request as they see fit. I signed the acknowledgement of the policy three years ago  when I was a completely different person. The person that signed that policy had been laid off of her previous job, had no direction in her life, no idea what she was or would be passionate about in the future and then completely by chance ( although in hindsight I realize not so much, but we’ll talk about that in a later post) got a government job and  just decided “OK, I guess, I’ll do that.” I never thought I’d have any desire to pursue something else, or that I’d want that something else so badly. I submitted a request to teach Yoga for one hour of the work week, Wednesday nights at 7pm to be exact and thought nothing of it. I mean sure I had some unexcused absences due to some surprise medical issues that had popped up through the year but I thought one hour a week to teach Yoga of all things, how could they say no, right? The answer to that question is in my branch managers office, with the ABM who delivered the blow. “Your request for outside employment has been denied due to unsatisfactory attendance.” Bubble burst, excitement immediately turned back into fear. “ but most of those were for doctors’ appointments, is there no compassion for circumstance… is there any way to appeal this decision.” I ask. “No, “ he says. “The decision comes all the way from the top and its final.” “what if I teach anyway, it’s only an hour a week.” I counter. “If they found out, you could get fired.”

Turns out my only option was to wait until my attendance became satisfactory in their eyes and then submit another request when the time came of which they still had full power to approve or deny as they saw fit. I felt trapped, like a bird that has just learned to fly being stuck in a taped-up box. Suffocating.  Here I had worked so hard with the assistance of Yoga to create the space so I could appreciate my job and realize my calling and now the very thing that I worked so hard to welcome into my life is telling me that I can’t answer the call, that I must wait until they are ready. So what do I do?  do I lay down and take it for a steady comfortable reliable paycheck? Sink back into my role as reliable worker bee, obedient to the roles that society thinks better suit me. Dimming the light I worked so hard to free. Or do I stand up for myself, for my future self and all the many versions of myself to come and live in my truth, in the knowing that I know I’m not “hot shit” but I do know that there is much more to my life than drudging away at the DMV for the rest of my viable days, there has to be. I had developed a belief in myself that could not be broken down, Satya as the yoga philosophy calls it, my truth. My ego was infuriated, my ego wanted to place a phone call all the way to “the top” as my ABM so eloquently put it and let the appointed official know just how I really felt about all this. But in meditation I was calm and understanding because the universe told me that I already knew what to do. I already knew what the truth was for me. My destiny didn’t just call to me, it kicked down the door and dragged me out of the room. I submitted my resignation letter. The letter stated among other things that although I enjoyed my time with the department it was time for me to seek out opportunities that were more aligned with my passion, skill set and future goals. I can honestly say no truer words had ever been spoken.

Cut to three short months later, now I’m here, spoon deep in peanut butter and still trying to discover what my truth not only means to me but what it means for me. My faith in myself, my Yoga practice and subsequently the universe made me strong enough to leave what is was comfortable, the path of least resistant and step out into the unknown into what is potentially uncomfortable territory in search of something greater waiting for me on the other side. And you don’t have to be a philosophy major to know that where there is comfortability there is no growth. Growth is painful, growth involves shedding old thoughts, ideals and stories, even the person you know yourself to be to make space for something bigger and better serving. If you don’t believe me just ask any baby as their tiny little porcelain teeth come through one by excruciating one. The baby ( our small self or ego self) only feels the pain and the uncomfortability of the moment and wants nothing more than for it to end to go back to what is comfortable but the parent watching over ( the true self, universe or whatever the higher being means to you) knows that you must sit in the pain, you must endure for the reward is waiting for you when it’s over.  There’s no guarantee when it will come or how, but it will come.

Back to the original question, why am I crying about how Yoga hurt my feelings?  I guess I’m just a little uncomfortable right now.  This is a new journey for me as a whole new person. My baby yoga teacher teeth are shedding and I’m fighting the adult teeth, tooth and nail ( pun intended) because all that awaits me on my teacher journey and Yoga practice in general is still very much unknown to me. But I’m learning to be OK with sitting in that realization because what is unknown leaves room for millions of possibilities. The universe told me to create the opportunities I sought and so I did. I cleared my path and now I must follow it.