Welcome to the new year fellow yogi’s! Sad but true, its time to get back into the grind and start to set the tone for the beautiful year to be, 2020 ( speaking it into existence 😉) . I don’t know about you but my 2019 was a killer. A killer of old fears and self-limiting beliefs, a killer of bad habits that distract from my ultimate goals. A killer of what was and an opening to what might be. I’m also killing it in my professional career, getting new certifications and teaching things other than (Gasp!) yoga, which has been so challenging and so fun!
2019 was also a killer of my singledom as my boyfriend proposed during the holiday season. So goodbye to being a girlfriend and hello to being a future wife. What a difference a year makes! I never thought id ever be in a space in my life to catch anyone’s attention long enough to want to marry me but here we are. If you are regular reader of my blog then you may have read my post titled On love and relationships ( and if you haven’t, then please check it out!) so this sentiment should be no surprise to you. But here’s something that surprised me. With all the years I spent lamenting and confusion over love or sometimes the lack thereof, I had lead myself to believe that all those fears only came because the foundation wasn’t solid or the guy was just a jerk and once I met the man that I was to marry all those fears would go away because I would be safe and secure in the comfort of my engagement ring.
The proposal was beautiful, after he asked me and put the ring on my finger I must have asked him 10 times to say it again. Ask me one more time to be your wife, because I just loved the sound of the words. And waited so long, Longer than I had realized to hear them. I was so elated, I still am. But I couldn’t help but notice that sneaking feeling from deep down within as a new fear started to rise. My mom once told me that with every level you reach in life, there are new demons. Kinda like that old saying “more money, more problems”. Intellectually this make sense. It’s a whole lot harder to manage a million dollars than it is to manage a thousand. But individually I was super surprised at how little my mind let me enjoy the feeling of just being happy to reach a new level in the relationship with the man that I love before it started to generate new fears.
I mean, I’ve never been engaged before so this is entirely new territory which means its perfectly okay to be a little nervous as we navigate this new terrain (things id whisper to myself when the engagement anxiety would set it) but the mind or the ego rather, has a really funny way of trying to regain control of the narrative when it feels like it’s losing it.
So I started to notice some of my old relationship fears being regurgitated in new ways to fit my engagement anxiety. I started to feel like an imposter. Like because I’ve always felt that I wasn’t worthy of a love this great so great that he’d want me to be his wife that I must’ve somehow tricked him into loving me by becoming this person that I’m not. This woman who is worthy of love. Because surely if he knew the real me, he would’ve never asked.
And “oh no!”
what’s gonna happen when he realizes he’s made a mistake? He’ll definitely take this ring back and cancel the wedding and then he’ll met someone new, someone who is actually the person she portrays herself to be and in two months they’ll be happily married with two kids, a cute little boy and girl of course and a teacup yorkie (my favorite dog) that they got just for fun. Yea, that sounds about right. That fits the story I’ve been telling myself since I was twelve.
And that my friends is an insight into a live thought spiral and let me tell you they are as exhausting as they are completely inaccurate. But that’s hard to know when it’s the only thing you listen to.
I thought that I had conquered this but hey, new year new challenges. I referred to my practice, to get out of my head I got heavy into asanas. Trying new more challenging and sometimes very uncomfortable poses, and really trying to navigate my way through the new poses to find my “sweet spot” within them, basically becoming a student again. And it all suddenly clicked. New poses, new challenges, new levels of uncomfortability, beginners mind, use your breath. Maybe do a little less or challenge yourself a little more. Welcome the heat that brings about change. let whatever isn’t serving you go, come into the present moment, breath relax, feel it and then let it rise and fall, you got this.
Once again, yoga poses prove to be a perfect example of life. This is a just a new challenging pose for me right now. And as I say to my students, challenging postures can bring up a lot of things but as long as you are not unreasonably uncomfortable you got this. Stick with it, you are supported. Get out of your head and navigate the spaces.
I know we all have big plans, resolutions and goals for 2020 and I know deep in my heart that this will be your year but I want you to know with each new level comes new demons, new challenges, potential new fears and the resurgence of old ones in disguise. Also know that that’s all okay, and know that whatever the mind might throw at you as you progress through this year that you are supported so don’t be afraid to navigate the spaces. You’re just in a really challenging new pose. Welcome the heat, remember to breath. Feel it, whatever it is while knowing that it will rise and then it will fall. But most importantly remember that, you got this!!
Yoga and The Real World 