How should I feel? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself a lot these days. The short answer is, I don’t know.
I know what I feel of course. But I don’t know how to feel about it. Or how to properly articulate it into words. Weird, because I’m a writer. Sad, because I’m a Yoga Teacher and our creed is to spread love and light to all those who seek it. To always know the right thing to say to diffuse any situation. But what if what I have to say isn’t nice or full of love and light. What if I’m mad, what if I’m angry?
As both an African American woman and a professional yoga teacher I feel like (in real life and online) I am constantly straddling a fence. On one side there is the peace and the love and light that I’ve been taught to rest in, and to instead take the path of indifference or maybe an opposing attitude towards that which is disturbing you and on the other side there is the harsh reality that I can not look away from. So quite frankly, at this point I’m ready to tear the whole fence down. Because what I am realizing is that peace is an end result. It’s a byproduct. You don’t just arrive at peace or get it because you ask for it. You have to create the correct environment for it to grow and thrive in, you have to constantly check, re-calibrate and re evaluate the space to ensure the conditions remain so for peace to be found. It takes dedication, it takes severe uncomfortability. Sometimes it even takes going through hell to find it or to realize that you were even missing it in the first place.
So maybe now isn’t the time for peace and calm or rather to push the idea of peace and calm. So I wont because i’m neither of those things right now anyway. There wont be any spiritual bypassing happening here. This isn’t something we can just meditate, “OM”, or pray away. We have to face this head on and call it exactly what is really is if we’re ever going to make it back to peace.
Our country is broken, our people are broken. There is no need anymore to point fingers about who started it or who’s perpetuating it. There’s no need to continue to fight over who spilled the milk. All I know for sure is the mess needs to be cleaned up.
Racism. That ugly word looming over all our heads right now. Some of us are afraid to look up. But just because you never see it or rather refuse to see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. It doesn’t make it any less of a very real monster for most African Americans on a daily basis. In fact we ( African Americans) see it everywhere. I see it whenever I’m in a store shopping and I make a conscious effort to hold the stuff I’m going to buy at a clearly visible distance so I don’t get accused of trying to steal. On most occasions its just instinct because I know we are easy targets. On some occasions its because the store clerk has been eyeing me since I walked into the store…but that does not make the store clerk a racist…or does it?
Do you know? I searched all the Yamas & Niyamas and every Yoga Sutra and I have yet to find a suitable one that prepares me for how to do deal with this. When people ask me what my thoughts are I all at once have everything to say and nothing at all because all I want is empathy, peace and respect for my people but my words and feelings are full of anger, hurt and maybe even a little hate. Because I sincerely do hate this. So unyogic. But I cant take the path of indifference anymore. The funny thing about staying silent, being indifference and spiritually bypassing is that your voice isn’t heard. Even YOU don’t get to hear it and so you lose it. And my voice, my words, they are my passion, my power, my weapon and my tool. It’s the only way I know how to advocate for the unheard.
Using my words. Not what I was taught to say or think, or what is politically correct to say or think for fear of offending or more trivial for fear of losing partnerships and alliances, not what my religion tells me to believe or whatever my granddaddy said to me when I was eight.
No, I had to unlearn all of that in order to find these words in a way that I want to express them in support of the cause.
I think we could all do with a little unlearning right now. A bit of separation from our knee jerk reactions and our set opinions. An unlearning of our comfortability in the ignorance of what racism is and what it is not. Instead maybe at the very least take some time to listen to the people who are literally begging, protesting, burning things down and tearing things up in order to be heard, to be acknowledged. That’s it. How long are we going to continue to ignore this monster?
Until there are no more voices left to be heard?
I love this country. I have faith in my country. I know that we can overcome this. Its no secret that when the going gets tough we Americans, we get going.
Well America, this is a call to action. The going is tough right now. So ask yourselves, “Where are we going?”
Yoga and The Real World 