Does anyone else really love a good Tapas? Ill bet you think I’m talking about those tiny flavorful appetizer dishes you can get at your favorite restaurant. And while yes they are delicious the Tapas I’m speaking of doesn’t always leave a great taste in your mouth but can still be just as delicious. How is that so?  Tapas as one of the Niyamas in the 8 limbs of yoga is a practice that promotes accepting the heat or annoyances and discomfort that may come when new better serving habits are being created or reaching a higher level mentally or spiritually. Its kind of like the proverbial crossroad. Where you can go one way or the other but only one road will lead you to the freedom you seek. Some yogi’s may know it as spiritual austerity. Severe discipline that gives way to change, beneficial growth and beautiful fruits. if you’re not a spiritual seeker( but I assume if you’re reading this blog you’re at least curious) this might sound a bit scary to you, way too “severe”. In the western world we think of  Tapas as walking over hot coals or laying on a bed of needles for hours but believe it or not we practice tapas in our daily lives all the time. Ever slaved over a hot stove for hours to end up with a delicious meal? Tapas. Ever damn near killed yourself at the gym to hop on the scale at the end of the week and see 2 pounds less of you standing there? Tapas. Ever listened to a client or customer at work yell at you and call you stupid for something that you have zero control over but instead of engaging you remembered you need money to survive so you just smiled and said “I’m sorry”? Expert level Tapas!

In actuality the universe is constantly setting up situations like this and putting people in our lives to help promote the growth we need to get to our higher selves. The examples I presented earlier are still heat inducers but very mild sometimes the universe sends us Tapas that’s slightly more bitter in the form of a health issue, job loss or the death of a loved one. The true test is not only in the Tapas itself but also in recognizing when we are being met with an opportunity to practice Tapas. I notice these opportunities everywhere now. Sometimes when I feel that internal heat rising from an undesirable exchange before I let myself explode I literally say to myself “this is tapas” and it reminds me to simmer down, pay attention and react skillfully because there are lessons to learn here, there is growth to be obtained. It wouldn’t be happening if there weren’t.

 Meditation in my opinion is actually the simplest form of Tapas we can participate in compared to what we can be presented with on a daily basis off the mat (yet another reason why we call it a yoga practice). I say this because I see this displayed firsthand almost every time I meditate. I’m seated comfortably deep in my pranayama and a fly swirls next to my ear, then my nose, then my hand and totally messes up my breath pattern. I remember “this is tapas” and refocus on my goal feeling the breath. I’m quietly focusing on the infinite energy that is the universe, the great cosmic intelligence and my boyfriend loudly takes a call in the other room. “This is tapas.” And I let the heat rise and fall. If I can’t handle these annoyances while on the mat then the old lady in front of me in the grocery line who will inevitably pay with a check and take a century to do it will always send me into extreme annoyance, lots of huffing and puffing because my time is important. “This is also Tapas.” To me keeping my cool in a situation like that is a much harder feat to endure than a 5-minute meditation. But in yoga we start to  see how much the small actions we practice on the mat and learn to breathe through even when its super uncomfortable perhaps even undesirable to do so can have such big returns. But the returns aren’t monetary, they are much more valuable than that. The returns are rewarded to us throughout life in the form of unshakeable peace. But that’s only if you’re willing to withstand the heat. I mean think about it, how are diamonds made?

So I’ll ask again, “Who wants Tapas?”

Relationships have always been hard for me. I just never quite understood how they worked exactly. Couple that with the fact that instead of trying to genuinely learn how they worked I just let every guy I dated ( which is a very loose term) lead by the absolute worst example by the time I was at the age where society says you should start taking dating seriously my idea of a relationship was like looking at abstract art. I knew there was a bigger picture there, it definitely could not be the way I’m seeing it now.  But no matter how I turned my head and squinted my eyes I just couldn’t see it fully. After a while I had accepted the fact that for me the picture just wasn’t there and maybe it was never going to be. I had gotten used to the constant of me always chasing and the guy always pulling away. There were always the extremes present. I was always either really happy (full of lust is probably a more accurate description) or really sad.  And the guy, whoever he happened to be at the moment, always seemed to have one foot out the door and so in preparation I always did as well. Never fully in and never really out. Now a few years older and wiser I see that this was all just a reflection of how I saw myself. Not fully being worthy of real true stable and reliable love, only something that looked kinda like it. So I settled for whatever I could get at the time, taking whatever came along with it not knowing if I would ever get that close to it again.

 I had gotten lost in the land of extremes and pretty comfortable there too. Because it was familiar. I knew how to operate in it. Stability for me in any capacity seemed as unattainable as getting into crow pose. So I stopped seeking it all together even though deep inside it was all that I wanted.  There is a beautiful quote I read once that goes something like,

“Yoga is not for the one who seeks to do too little or too much, it is for the in between. The one who seeks balance.”

This is easy to apply when we’re on the mat in Warrior One. Not too little effort but not too much. Honor yourself, trust the process. But the more I started to pay attention the more I saw demonstrated that this is a quote for life. A Recipe to cultivate a life of contentment. One where you can be unconditionally internally happy while you wait on what is to come. In Yogic terms and also as one of the Niyamas it’s called Santosha which translates to contentment.

You know how they say when you stop looking for things that that’s when they find you? Meeting David was like that. Full disclosure, I was on a dating site “actively seeking” to find but I what I really expected to find was a lot of the same. So much so that on the very day I decided that I was going to cancel my account and go all “Whoa is me” again. He messaged me. It was the last message I would respond to before cancelling the account forever. He came in like warm heat from a space heater on a winter night. So welcoming and needed that I couldn’t resist wanting to wrap myself up in him and let his heat consume me. He was more than willing to take all of me in. In his eyes there was calm, acceptance and openness. I didn’t have to look for ulterior motives or hang on his every word so I could read between the lines. Everything he said he meant. Everything he felt he expressed. He was not extreme in any sense of the word; he just simply was who he was. What a strange animal.

I thought meeting someone like him would be the end all be all. My relationshipitis had been cured! I am in fact genuinely likeable, even lovable.  I was still happy, don’t get me wrong but also to my surprise still  very unsettled.  Because I had no idea how to operate in the land of sane and stable everything with him was new and questionable. When things were going perfectly fine I found myself internally searching for things to be mad at just so I could stir some shit up and get that extreme going. Of course I never found anything because he’s perfectly reasonable, but I wanted to so badly, to catch him in the act being just how I expected him to be. I can remember a desperate moment when I came to my sister distraught because I feared that he liked his cat more than me and I just didn’t know if I could take it ( its funny because its true!).  Similarly, when things and he weren’t absolutely perfect and lovey dovey, when I wasn’t overthrown by feelings of lust towards him, I found myself doubting if it was ever even real to begin with. You know those days when he comes home from work gives you a kiss, grabs a beer and heads straight for the couch to NOT cuddle.  I’d be absolutely shattered in private and preparing for the worse. Because he’s obviously not just tired from working all day and wants to put his feet up, open a beer and relax at home. Nope, its clear he’s fallen out of love with me the no cuddling is a dead giveaway. Get ready for the other shoe to drop my dear because it is coming right at you! Here he was a literal gift from the universe signed “sorry for all your troubles,” and I was so caught up in looking for the extremes (drama)  that I was used to that I couldn’t see what actually was. An adult relationship with a person who respects me enough to not leave me with questions,  which means there is no drama.

    Once I got so upset with him at a party for making a very factual statement to someone that I wasn’t his wife ( I’m not) that I carried that anger with me all night. Smiling at him on the outside but seething on the inside. As if by him saying that I wasn’t his wife then meant that it would never be. So what’s the freaking point of this relationship?  I never said anything to him about it because I knew I was being irrational. Like what would my argument be? “why did you tell that person the truth? No. I knew I had to go deeper, this was a me issue.  In meditation I asked myself why the comment hurt so much. More accurately it went something like “how dare he say that,” to “but why are you mad,” because the true self always knows the right questions to ask.  And it was revealed after several minutes of arguing myself down that I put a lot of pressure on him to be all the things I wanted him to be instead of who he was and letting him love me that way instead of how I thought he should which had no basis in reality. I also realized that although I was brave enough to let him get close to me  I was still afraid of what bad might happen. The act of letting him in actually bred more fear because it meant that if I trusted him and then turned out to be wrong then that would put me back at square one. Therefore this thing has to work out, he has to be the one and I have to be the one for him because I CANNOT go back to square one again. Another extreme. It has to be this or that or its nothing.    The truth is I don’t know if he will ever ask me to marry him or if we will be together forever and ever or break up tomorrow. I don’t know if we will end up kissing every day or arguing every night. Right now it isn’t for me to know. And I’m ok with that. Why is it ok? Because during our time together in every second of every minute I have gotten to love and be loved fully, freely and with everything I have. He has shown me things and made me feel things I never thought I’d get to experience in my lifetime. And no matter what happens I am eternally grateful to be able to tell the tale. Even though I don’t know what is to come,  I’m learning that we can’t escape the ebb and flow of love and relationships they are as constant as the tides themselves. But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t enjoy the waters when they are calm and cool and inviting me in for a swim just because there may be something bad lurking underneath. Stability in relationships doesn’t look like not being able to keep your hands off of each other. That’s just another extreme.  Its looks like understanding when the other is too tired, or hungry or busy to be the person you want at that moment but still loving them fully anyway. And true, stable reliable love is not something you have to fight for or endure. It isn’t an extreme at all. It’s the calm that you are seeking and the warmth that you need while you wait on whatever is to come, good or bad. It is contentment.

I love how that favorite song makes me feel. You know the one. We all do. Although our favorite songs might be very different we all have them, kind of like those other little things called feelings. No wonder  music and feelings have become a synonymous concept, because it makes us feel the things even when we don’t want to feel them. For me music has held a special place in my heart for most of my life. Being a child that was always highly emotional, anxiety ridden (or just dramatic as my mother and maybe yours too put it), teased a fair amount for being overweight and a little weird during those school aged years, music was the brave friend I needed that expressed the things I wished I could verbalize.

   There were the Paramore songs and Ashley Simpson’s “Autobiography” that made me feel punk and sassy when I was really just shy and nervous. Beyoncé for when I felt like I wanted to take over the world and all the boys as my best Sasha Fierce and Coldplay for when I just didn’t understand it all.   Its even sometimes how I relate to space and time, I can’t always remember what age I was or where I was when the event took place, but I do remember the song that helped me feel through it. Sometimes I can listen to that one song and be transported right back to that place in time complete with all the dreadful feelings.  Not having properly dealt with those feelings, overtime id feel so much that it made me afraid to listen to those sad songs that at one time I identified with because I didn’t want to feel those feeling again. I didn’t want to remember how hurt, angry, sad, disappointed, disregarded or used I had been made to feel during the different times in my life. I wanted to leave the sad stuff and the songs associated with them where they were, way, way WAY in the past. Looked away in a closet to the left like my girl Bey said it should be.

        But I started to realize something, there was a small shift and I slowly started to make peace with the scary things. During meditation I would find the craziest things would pop into my mind, things from the deep recesses of your brain that make you go “where did that come from?,” at first I would just let them pass by, the whole cloud thing just like I was taught. Then when they’d randomly show up again I  worked to stop them instead of letting them float by I wanted to stop and gaze. To really ask “Why are you here?”. A careful examination like the scientist who stands and stares at the complicated equation on a chalkboard. This is of course is the most beneficial part of meditation not only does it allow you to actually see your thoughts, but it helps to illuminate what’s really the loudest even when you didn’t know that it was screaming inside of you.

     As I began to make peace with the scary things and all the past hurts I noticed that although there was sadness in the songs there was beauty there too. Just like the events from our past although we were hurt then we are stronger for it now. I started to feel that it was ok that I was once broken or at least for all the many reasons I  thought I was because in the brokenness I was able to start to see all the pieces of myself and put them back together in my own image. Now when I listen to the songs that marked the moments in my life I take it as a time to stop and reflect on how much I’ve grown, a clear progression of all the feelings that lead me to be the woman I am today. Still a little nervous at times but totally ok with my awesome weirdness. Taking over the world in my own special way but still Sasha Fierce as hell.  And no longer trying so hard to understand the world all at once just trying to be the best me while I’m in it. 

I say all this to say sometimes when the scary things come up, those past events that are seemingly too dark to look at yet little triggers like songs, smells or sounds bring us back and even take us down. Its okay to want to look away but then eventually we must turn around look, we must examine the complex feelings that keep us from really feeling. Make peace with you past. Rewrite the story. Conquer your villains,  make yourself the hero of your movie and live to love the soundtrack of your life.

I’m annoyed.  Over something that I have no control over really. But I want to sooooooooo badly.  I want to be able to control the situation just so, that it turns out exactly how I want. And isn’t it always that way? The things that we have no control over we want to take them under the absolute worst. Why is that? Right now I can’t figure out why because I’m so consumed with thoughts about how much I hate this situation. Strong words from a yogi, right? Would you believe I meditate every day? Unfortunately meditation does not always equal mediation. If only it were that easy. That’s why along with meditation comes the ever so dreaded work. So as I work through it, which is really happening in real time as I write ( this blog is just as much for me as it is for all of you) I realize that the situation is not the problem at all. As the gunas remind us life is full of situations that continuously rise and fall like waves in the ocean, sometimes before you even have time take in the first wave fully another one comes and its much bigger than the one before it. We literally have no control over this. Just ask rip currents.

      The real problem is me and how I’m handling the situation or lack thereof. Just like our childhood lifeguard at the local swimming pool taught us about the dangers of drowning, if you freak out, fight the water and try to control the fact that you’re drowning you will sink much faster. Its only when we let go of the fear of losing control and simply breath, relax and float that we have some chance to find our way to safety. So then the question becomes do I want to continue to fight for control and drown or relax and float? The answer seems simple but as yoga has taught me time and time again simple does not mean easy. How do you let go of control when you feel like you might die if you do? You do it anyway, you let go of it all, relax and trust the universe and her plan. That’s really all you can do anyway. So often we try to take control of things that have nothing to do with us, things that are not for us to do but for the universe to take care of. But we get so caught up in what we want, what’s comfortable and reliable, desires and perceived needs that we lose sight of the task at hand which is just to be. A human being observing the waves and not getting swept up in them.

      I read a quote once that said, “Do only what you can and none of what you cant.” I love quotes because they are like universal truths that never change. I’ve said this while teaching my students a number of times but only now does the true meaning really set in. Not only must we not force the body to do what it can’t during asana but also in our everyday lives in general, after all what we learn in yoga is not for the mat but to take out into the real world. When we try to control things it’s because we are afraid of an undesirable outcome, it triggers that thing within us that’s afraid getting something we don’t like. We think not knowing and not controlling means we’re leaving the door open for anything to happen and in a way that’s true because when anything can happen it means that anything can happen. Endless possibilities. Maybe even a surprise ending that’s better than anything you could’ve dreamed. Now, don’t get me wrong I might be a hippy but I’m still a realist, there may still be nightmares lurking around the corner but those are not meant for us to worry about, at least not until the boogie man is right in front of us. “ Do only what you can and none of what you cant”  Until then, the next time you find yourself drowning under control remember to sit back, breath, relax and just float.

Surprise! I’m human. Obvious statement I know,  seeing as how you can look at me a person who is living, breathing and talking and clearly see that it is no surprise at all that I am human. No other species on the planet but a human can do all of these things. As easy as it is to identify these things, accepting it can be a completely different ball game. In yoga we talk a lot about false stories that we can tell ourselves so many times and for so long that we actually start to believe them as fact. The Sanskrit term for this is samskara, in the western world you may know them as self-limiting beliefs or a self-fulfilling prophecy. They are tiny impressions and pathways that are created in the brain by repeated thought or action. If you are reading this blog post I assume you have at least dipped your toes in to test the waters of yogic philosophy or maybe you’ve taken a couple yoga classes and heard the instructor hint at this by saying something like “notice your thoughts,” so you know a little something about what this means to you. You may have even begun to identify some of your own negative samskaras and after close examination and deconstruction have determined that they aren’t true. An example of a negative samskara would be, one time when you were five your mother called you stupid because you hadn’t quite yet grasped how 2+2=4. She never told you that she didn’t actually think you were stupid; she was just frustrated because she wants you to be successful in school so you can get into a good college. She only ever said to you out loud that you were stupid, now 25 years later you believe it and because you never went back to the source and did the work to determine that it never actually had anything at all to do with you you’ve ended up living a pretty safe life. You had dreams and aspirations, you wanted to create clean energy for all but you believed that you were too stupid to do it and so you never tried anything. We all know this feeling in some form very well. But I bet you didn’t know that are also positive samskaras too. They are helpful only in intention but if we aren’t careful the end result could be just as limiting.

I came to this realization as I began to identify for myself how some of my positive samskaras had begun to feel like a restriction. As a yoga teacher and practitioner I pride myself on my dedication to the practice. I wake up I read, I meditate, I journal,  I pranayama until I pratyahara myself into a calm steady flow of being. Sometimes I get there, sometimes I don’t (that’s why they call it “practice” amirite?!). Off the mat, although I’ll admit it isn’t always entirely possible I try to consider the 8 limbs, the Yamas and Niyamas in every decision I make. I think these things are supposed to make me a “good yogi” and a good yogi (or so my mind has lead me to believe) is pure and ethereal and doesn’t walk but kind of floats and always knows the right things to say because I meditate so now I’m enlightened. And because I’m now enlightened as a true yogi should be, my mind is clean and pure and free of unnecessary clutter so I should sleep as sound as a newborn baby every night and wake pure and refreshed and ready to take on the day. Only I wasn’t, I couldn’t. Even though I wanted to so badly. Sleep. Good old-fashioned restful sleep. And let me tell you there is nothing that can unravel a human being quicker than lack of sleep. So when I found myself on night two of lying awake in bed after setting clear intentions to have restful sleep and feeling only more restless I slowly watched this feeling morph into helplessness and I fell apart. What I actually did was fall into a heap next to the bed and burst into tears. My boyfriend woke up and got me tissues, he asked what was wrong. I wanted to tell him immediately but couldn’t articulate, all I could do was sob. That’s right, I a dedicated yogi was reduced to a sleep deprived toddler throwing a tantrum. Oh if Patanjali could see me now!  The crazy thing is that although I was exhausted I wasn’t crying because I was sleepy I was crying because I lead myself to believe that a meditated mind is a totally pure mind and so easy to rest, but a restless mind is a diseased mind a mind that is literally dis-eased. Actually it was Sri Swami Chachitinanda who said this, but just like all things yoga I took it to heart, I made it the end all be all. And so I laid there next to a very confused and now also sleep deprived boyfriend devastated because I felt like a bad sad yogi.

But there’s the thing. This is one of those times where the answer is in the question. I made those things  good and bad. The aim of Yoga is not to make us good or to keep us from being bad, the aim of Yoga is to teach us how to be with all of these things. The more I practice and the more I try to understand and release that which no longer serves me. I realize a little more each day that there really is no good and bad there is only what we tell ourselves and what we attach to. Yea, maybe my mind is a little dis-eased a couple nights out of the week and sometimes it isn’t, that doesn’t make me bad or good it makes me HUMAN. A human being living in a human body with a very complex human mind that is not perfect and was not made to be. It just means that there’s more work to do, more things to look at and consider, I know that now. That’s why we practice, not to be rid of these struggles but to better understand them so we can live peacefully alongside them. But most importantly I practice so that when I fall from grace (because I can assure you just as sure as the sun will rise and bring a new day we will all fall at some point in our journey)  I can give myself a break and come back to just being without all the expectation.

So I urge you, the next time you feel like you have fallen to lay in the rubble, make rubble angels, cry until you can’t anymore.  Hell, wake your boyfriend up even, feel all the things! And then pull yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to work. Because surprise! You’re human too.

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

I started this blog out of desperation and fear. Not a mindset you’d expect a Yoga teacher to express right? I agree, surprisingly on my journey as an aspiring “successful” Yoga instructor I’ve discovered that there are a number of different mindsets and emotions I never expected to experience teaching Yoga. A practice with a philosophy of uniting and igniting internal joy.  And so I’m here typing away, stress eating peanut butter confused, a little angry and wondering, why am I here? No, really like why I am here sitting next to a spoon of peanut butter typing about how Yoga hurt my feelings? And in the same moment I can still find a way to be grateful that the disappointment does hurt me so because it means that I care deeply for the practice of Yoga so much so that it literally hurts me to think of not being able to spread the joy and that realization is the exact magic and power of Yoga. So then the question shifts from why am I here to how did I get here? Whoa, deep right? I won’t take it all the way back, not enough time. I quit my job. I guess that’s a good place to start. I worked at the DMV for three years prior to my taking the leap into pursuing teaching Yoga full time and it was every bit as draining and annoying as one might imagine a day in the DMV might be. Only when the customers came in they got to leave and hopefully not come back for at least a year. I came back every day. At first it was a dream job a government job, full benefits, retirement in the bag. I thought it was kind of cool to be “set” at 25. With Yoga having been a constant in my life for many years before I got the job, I had a grounding practice to come back to after a particularly stressful day but mostly in the morning before the chaos, before the sun and the rest of the world rose to start their day I would practice my daily Asanas, lay in Shavasana and bath in the peace and gratitude for my practice and head to work knowing that I was covered in my peaceful warrior armor.

For a while this worked, I reaped the benefits of a steady and might I add impressive paycheck, job security and holidays and weekends off in happy middle-class paradise. But just like life tends to do, day after day my peaceful warrior armor began to wear down. I could feel it happening slowly inside, like the way the dark night creeps into the sky. At first it seemed far in the distance but then before I knew it I was consumed. I would get comment cards from customers saying “ good work but she could’ve smiled more.” This, to the woman who was once nominated to be the front desk ambassador for the very same workplace by her coworkers because of her sunny disposition! I had struggled with symptoms of IBS for some years prior but I began to notice that with the mounting stress and anxiety of the job my symptoms went into overdrive, into unbearable territory overdrive. I hated that it was happening but I couldn’t stop it or at least I felt like couldn’t. Enter Yoga teacher training. For so long I had been practicing Asanas feeling a calling from within that there was more to this beautiful practice. When I started to see the affects my job were having on me being reflected back to me I sought out to seek the “more” in the form of Yoga teacher training. Being introduced to the philosophy and foundations of Yoga literally blew my mind. Here I was introduced to the power of choice, the power to cultivate an inner strength so great that it can emanate from the inside out.

 I began to do the work. My daily practice deepened. I wasn’t just focused on holding the best warrior one for a solid minute and only tapping into my peace at the end of my practice while forcing myself to stay still in shavasana,  instead I began to look for my peace throughout my practice as well. Whether I was in wheel pose or resting comfortably in childs pose I searched for the softness in every moment and I began to search for this softness off the mat and in my life as well. The deeper I got into my teacher training I started to realize that although I had been doing Yoga poses for many years I had not actually truly been doing Yoga. Through exploring different yogic texts and philosophies I was developing a fresh new perspective to nurture and cultivate into a new more open and fully present me. I started to see the changes reflected back to me at work as well. I found myself eagerly volunteering to take on extra-curricular work projects becoming the branch “Wellness Champion” and member of the Spirit Board Committee. What’s a Spirit Board Committee you ask? The committee with the very important task of decorating the main office cork board with on theme seasonal garb to keep the office light and fun. Silly as it might sound it was almost as if with the space I freed up from resisting the fact that I hated my job  I was able to make room for a more creative me who saw all these other opportunities for ways in which I could appreciate my job. I enjoyed bringing little nuggets from my teacher training or latest Yoga book back to work to share with my coworkers and members of the “Wellness Warrior” health group I created, so much so that I started a weekly Mindfulness Tips email newsletter. I brimmed with enthusiasm collaborating with other crafty coworkers on new ideas for our spirit board. With the consent of the Branch Manager I was allowed to introduce monthly office games and challenges for coworkers in an effort to promote activity, reduce stress while at work and improve office camaraderie, which really came in handy during those nightmare days when customers flooded the lobby like ants and there didn’t seem to be an end in sight. Feedback from coworkers expressed how much they appreciated my weekly mindfulness tips as they too had begun to look at life issues from a new perspective. On challenge days I watched full grown adults laugh and play with each other like kids in grade school and had coworkers come up to me after their turn to say how much fun they were having and how they couldn’t wait for the next month’s challenge.

I had softened, I felt myself melting into my life. Work was still stressful, but I had learned how to distance myself from it, the observer approach is the technical turn. Letting things be as they are without feeling the need to participate in them, to let them take you away. Don’t mistake it was still a daily practice and some days I was unsuccessful but never defeated. I felt empowered and having finally completed my yoga teacher training I was ready to explore the path of a practicing yoga teacher. Opening myself up fully to hating my job and embracing the situation allowed me to experience the joy that comes from sharing something truly meaningful to the human experience, the jewel of connection.

And so connect I did. I talked with the universe during meditations and it told me that I had to create the opportunities that I sought. That although I had done a lot of work so far there was still more to be done. I knew what my vision was, ever since I had begun my teacher training, I would find myself in meditation literally getting visions of myself as what I now call a “traveling Yoga teacher”. Steeped in the fear of being constrained by four walls, a computer and desk with an uncomfortable chair, my true self was calling to deliver the message in a way that was freeing in every sense of the word. My calling was to not only teach the joy of Yoga but to spread it. Knowing that until my vision became a reality I still needed to actually “work” to make money to survive and being a person who had to commute through 2 cities every day to get to work I sought out opportunities to teach in and around the county I resided in as well in the county where I worked. I set my sites on Recreation Centers, places built solely for the benefit of the community and to my surprise every center replied back with a resounding yes. The universe was in my favor. In only one week of trying I had acquired two classes a week, one in my home county on Wednesday evenings and one in my work county on Saturday mornings set to start running at the beginning  of the following month. I had a class schedule. A Yoga class schedule, a thought that if uttered a year prior would’ve shrunk me into a corner now made me feel as big as the fear itself. Only it wasn’t fear anymore it was excitement. Excitement wrought with one tiny formality.

Remember when I told you that I worked for the government? Yea, well it turns out the government, even county government is super particular about what their employees do, not only in but also outside of work. I had heard rumblings throughout my years of the policy for what they call “Outside Employment”. This policy holds that due to the fact the an employee of a government agency is in fact at all times an acting representative of the appointed official for that department, he/she therefore must submit a request in writing of any outside activity done for monetary gain prior to the acceptance or commencement of said activity so as to ensure there’s no conflict of interest, shedding of negative light on the department, etc. Thus giving the department the authority to approve or deny the request as they see fit. I signed the acknowledgement of the policy three years ago  when I was a completely different person. The person that signed that policy had been laid off of her previous job, had no direction in her life, no idea what she was or would be passionate about in the future and then completely by chance ( although in hindsight I realize not so much, but we’ll talk about that in a later post) got a government job and  just decided “OK, I guess, I’ll do that.” I never thought I’d have any desire to pursue something else, or that I’d want that something else so badly. I submitted a request to teach Yoga for one hour of the work week, Wednesday nights at 7pm to be exact and thought nothing of it. I mean sure I had some unexcused absences due to some surprise medical issues that had popped up through the year but I thought one hour a week to teach Yoga of all things, how could they say no, right? The answer to that question is in my branch managers office, with the ABM who delivered the blow. “Your request for outside employment has been denied due to unsatisfactory attendance.” Bubble burst, excitement immediately turned back into fear. “ but most of those were for doctors’ appointments, is there no compassion for circumstance… is there any way to appeal this decision.” I ask. “No, “ he says. “The decision comes all the way from the top and its final.” “what if I teach anyway, it’s only an hour a week.” I counter. “If they found out, you could get fired.”

Turns out my only option was to wait until my attendance became satisfactory in their eyes and then submit another request when the time came of which they still had full power to approve or deny as they saw fit. I felt trapped, like a bird that has just learned to fly being stuck in a taped-up box. Suffocating.  Here I had worked so hard with the assistance of Yoga to create the space so I could appreciate my job and realize my calling and now the very thing that I worked so hard to welcome into my life is telling me that I can’t answer the call, that I must wait until they are ready. So what do I do?  do I lay down and take it for a steady comfortable reliable paycheck? Sink back into my role as reliable worker bee, obedient to the roles that society thinks better suit me. Dimming the light I worked so hard to free. Or do I stand up for myself, for my future self and all the many versions of myself to come and live in my truth, in the knowing that I know I’m not “hot shit” but I do know that there is much more to my life than drudging away at the DMV for the rest of my viable days, there has to be. I had developed a belief in myself that could not be broken down, Satya as the yoga philosophy calls it, my truth. My ego was infuriated, my ego wanted to place a phone call all the way to “the top” as my ABM so eloquently put it and let the appointed official know just how I really felt about all this. But in meditation I was calm and understanding because the universe told me that I already knew what to do. I already knew what the truth was for me. My destiny didn’t just call to me, it kicked down the door and dragged me out of the room. I submitted my resignation letter. The letter stated among other things that although I enjoyed my time with the department it was time for me to seek out opportunities that were more aligned with my passion, skill set and future goals. I can honestly say no truer words had ever been spoken.

Cut to three short months later, now I’m here, spoon deep in peanut butter and still trying to discover what my truth not only means to me but what it means for me. My faith in myself, my Yoga practice and subsequently the universe made me strong enough to leave what is was comfortable, the path of least resistant and step out into the unknown into what is potentially uncomfortable territory in search of something greater waiting for me on the other side. And you don’t have to be a philosophy major to know that where there is comfortability there is no growth. Growth is painful, growth involves shedding old thoughts, ideals and stories, even the person you know yourself to be to make space for something bigger and better serving. If you don’t believe me just ask any baby as their tiny little porcelain teeth come through one by excruciating one. The baby ( our small self or ego self) only feels the pain and the uncomfortability of the moment and wants nothing more than for it to end to go back to what is comfortable but the parent watching over ( the true self, universe or whatever the higher being means to you) knows that you must sit in the pain, you must endure for the reward is waiting for you when it’s over.  There’s no guarantee when it will come or how, but it will come.

Back to the original question, why am I crying about how Yoga hurt my feelings?  I guess I’m just a little uncomfortable right now.  This is a new journey for me as a whole new person. My baby yoga teacher teeth are shedding and I’m fighting the adult teeth, tooth and nail ( pun intended) because all that awaits me on my teacher journey and Yoga practice in general is still very much unknown to me. But I’m learning to be OK with sitting in that realization because what is unknown leaves room for millions of possibilities. The universe told me to create the opportunities I sought and so I did. I cleared my path and now I must follow it.

I’m Charlye Lee and this is my blog about all things Yoga and how to incorporate Yoga into your life in a practical way. Let’s be honest we’d all love to be clean eating, green drinking, twisty pretzel bodies that can meditate for hours and always has all the answers but that’s just unrealistic! Not to mention it seems like a hell of a lot of work. I don’t claim to be any of those things. I’m learning and navigating (sometimes faking it until I make it while thoroughly confused) just like all of you and Yoga has taught me that that is OK. I won’t promise that I know it all, but I can promise that I do have some thoughts about it!